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by Ted Burns

Kind of like boxing’s Marquess of Queensberry Rules, but more about making sure nobody gets arrested.

1. No touching riders actively racing.

2. No throwing, spitting, or discharging objects from a device at riders. Even if you know them.

3. Heckling should rely on wit rather than obscenity, unless it is directed at a member of a Chicago delegation since four letter and one syllable words are about all they process when under duress.

4. Foul language is permitted as long as there are no children within an acceptable distance. Acceptable distance will be defined as the length of the biggest hill in the race since it is a well-known fact that sound travels downhill.

5. Hand ups are permitted as long as a person’s body remains behind the course tape. (OK, maybe only if the rider really wants to be disqualified.)

6. Acceptable handups include: Beer in cans, paper money, cheese objects, and other awesome food groups such as donuts, cheese curds, coffee, etc. (See disclaimer on Rule 5)

7. Unacceptable handups include: Beer in bottles, Canadian paper money, slimy food like baloney, and weather inappropriate items such as hot chocolate on a hot day.

8. Spraying riders with beer or other liquid is acceptable only if the promoter has designated a portion of the course as a “spray zone.”

9. Heckling shall be confined to portions of the course a rider is most likely to wipe out and suffer further humiliation.

10. Acceptable locations include run ups, steep inclines, difficult barriers, mud pits, sand pits, snow banks, or high speed down hill turns.

11. A rider hopelessly out of contention and suffering shall be heckled excessively, and offered double beer, but no cash.

12. Costumed hecklers, will be given priority placement along the course tape. Clarification: Wearing a cheesehead hat does not count as a costume.

13. Excessively drunk obnoxious hecklers will streak upon request … Packer game style. What’s the good of getting loaded if you can’t take your clothes off at a sporting event in the middle of winter?

14. Heckling requires a minimum group of two persons. A group of less than two hecklers will be considered lame losers and risk being heckled by riders for their lamosity. Solo hecklers armed with megaphones shall not require teams. This is applicable to and shall include all foreigners, and Minnesotans.

15. Priority heckling position will be given to those with voice or noise amplifying instruments such as air horns or electronically powered megaphones as long as they provide scores games in action such as the Badgers or Packers.

16. Onsite amendments are deferred to the first guy to show up with a keg or the first guy to start giving away beer. The beer makes the leader, the leader does not make the beer. In the event of tie, the winner is the person with the most Wisconsin made beer yet to be drunk.

17. Unicorn Rule: All rules are null and void if a unicorn with a rainbow tail shows up.

18. Foreigner/Minnesota Rule: All foreigners, and Minnesotans, are exempt from rules because “they just do not understand.”

19. Throwing snowballs at riders: Shall be limited to riders in costume, riders taking hand ups, and masters category 3-5 (they need some upgrade motivation.) Absolutely no ice-balls.

20. Fire, fireworks, and other pyrotechnics are permitted according to venue rules, as long as none are discharge directly at an active racer.

21. Concealed weapons are not permitted, unless you are an official who needs to stick a starting pistol in your pants gangster style.