Note: This was one of three April Fools stories, posted on April 1, 2008. We have no plans to sue our hardworking USPS, even if delivery in some areas took much longer than expected. We now can plan better with delivery times for Issue 3.
Cyclocross Magazine has filed a class action lawsuit against the USPS on behalf of its readers, alleging that inexplicably slow, irresponsible, and discriminatory delivery practices are entirely responsible for a some pockets of subscribers still waiting for Issue 2. With deliveries in North Carolina and New Hampshire confirmed but nothing in Massachusetts, Montana or Minnesota, the folks behind CXM feel they have no other choice but to resort to legal action.
CXM part-time editor and sandbagger columnist Hector Finely explains the drastic move. “We get emails from the ‘M’ states all the time saying they haven’t gotten their mag yet, a good four weeks after it hit the mail, but many in the ‘N’ states have…what kind of service puts ‘N’ before ‘M’?” he laments. “Even my four year old son knows M comes before N!” He claims the USPS is discriminating against “M” states and likely even “O” states, stating that Oregon subscribers received their mags well after Washington state. Finely says the lawsuit is for the readers. “We’re not tired of responding to each email asking ‘where’s my mag’ but we gotta fight for our subscribers. We can’t put up with this messed up mailing monopoly any longer. Our whole goal was to provide ‘cross joy throughout the year, not to give free magazines to the postal workers. We’ll give mags to grass-roots race promoters and high school racers but not postal workers.”
Cyclocross Magazine has hired famous cycling-scandal lawyer “Mo” Suh to represent them in their attempt to successfully sue the USPS. It may prove difficult and Suh’s toughest case however, as the independent organization enjoys protection from its unique relationship with the Executive Branch of the federal government. Finely explains the controversial legal hiring to readers. “The USPS is yet another agency that has shown inexplicable and incompetent discrepancies in its untested and still-to-be-proven practices,” he says. “Who better to deflect blame from us and show the practices of the postal workers are to blame? Suh has done amazing work repairing the tarnished reputations of Landis, Vinokourov, and Rock Racing. We hope he’ll do the same for us, and help the few poor readers in New England and the Midwest get their Issue 2 and recoup some damages.”
Cyclocross Magazine’s staff will be selling their ‘cross bikes and parts on eBay to partially cover the legal fees. Their auctions are displayed in the sidebar of the Cyclocross Magazine website, and in addition to the proceeds from the sales, an additional 5% bonus of the sale price goes towards the legal fund if a reader wins an auction viewed from a click from one of the ads.
While selling their ‘cross bikes seems a bit extreme for a dedicated cyclocross magazine’s staff, Finely says that there a few small benefits to clearing out the bikes. “The best thing about it is that we now have more room in the crowded garage to work on the magazine,” he reasons. “I get tired sitting between piles of muddy bikes and still-drying tubular glue. The fumes really get you. Besides, we just picked up a sweet 486 PC from Craigslist, and it’s a beast. We’ll need a lot of room for that thing. Plus, those bikes we’re auctioning? Most of them were sent to us by companies for reviews anyway. Sweet, huh?”
Of course, like other cyclists involved in scandals, Finely plans to lead a CXM fund raising tour to cover the legal fees and miscellaneous expenses.
Readers still waiting for Issue 2, or those who suffered unjust hardship during their wait, can join the class action lawsuit simply by posting their town and state in a comment below with a valid email address (which will not be displayed to the public). Full names are not necessary, the legal team will contact you for more information. Or, they can inquire about the USPS delivery practices here.