Pre-Season Freak-Out and Naked Banana Bread – A Column by Psychlo Mom

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An easy way to meet high caloric intake requirements. Photo via flickr by Neil Conway

In this week’s adventure, Psychlo Mom confronts the sheer volume of foodstuffs two young ’crossers can put away. Her answer? Good humor and “Naked Banana Bread.” Did you miss Psychlo Mom’s debut article on “The Calm Before the Storm and a Recipe for Kick-Some-Ass Oatmeal Cookies?” Go check it out.

by Psychlo Mom

Yikes, I’m freakin’ out. Another cyclocross mom told me these Elite riders eat about 6,000 calories a day. 6,000!  Mm-hmm, Okee-dokie. So, here’s my reality…I think my family eats that many calories cumulatively. That includes my cat. Let’s be honest – I don’t know what that much food looks like in a day, or where you store it all. I’m talking just plain old where do you actually put that much food in your kitchen? When I first heard that number, I nodded like, yeah, of course. Then I got home and realized that I haven’t a clue what 6,000 calories x 2 riders/day might actually look like. My next thought was, was she messing with me?  Was that a joke and I missed it entirely or was she actually serious? I guess I’m about to find out.

Here’s one tiny glitch: I don’t believe in prepared foods. I’m not wacky, like you have to step on your own peanuts and churn your own butter, but I don’t do Chef Boyardee or Jolly Green Giant or anything that goes in a microwave and stinks like…like prepared food. I have a microwave. In the basement. I’m a little snobby about that, too. So whatever this mega-food parade is that I’ll be floating in, it has to be real. And two teenaged starrrrrving cyclocross boys have to be able to throw some of it together without my being involved. And they have to put it away when they’re finished fixing it or they’ll see Psychlo Mom transform into something way scarier than anything they’ve ever encountered on a bike.

School (as in work, for me) doesn’t start until next week, so I can still think about all the yummy foods I’m going to prepare, and they can eat them whenever or wherever  they want. Except on my couch, or upstairs, or basically anywhere besides the kitchen table, the sink or the porch. But still, that four-digit number is plaguing me. I did buy some cashews; they’re fattening, right? But does this mean these guys open the bag and polish off the whole thing in one sitting? If so, we’re switching to peanuts.

Here’s a beautiful little secret: My cx son has no idea I’m writing this. Really. Zippo. In part, it’s because you’re all probably all a little cross-eyed (“Dude, whattaya mean you don’t wanna hear about my ’cross riding business? It’s more interesting than…than…anything anyone else is thinking about. Duhhhhh!”) Whatever. But here’s a snippet of our conversation tonight as we were driving home from the Wawa (that’s pronounced 7-11 in other parts of the country) to buy ingredients I didn’t even use in this banana bread:

Me: Julz, do you think the other mom was messing with me when she said that thing about 6,000 calories?
Julz: Chyeah. Are you kidding me? Duh.

OK, Psychlo Mom, calm down. Breathe. This morning my yoga teacher said, “The essence of yoga is being exactly where you are and doing exactly what you are doing in this moment.” She looks like she consumes about 6,000 calories a month.

So, guess where I am right now? Of course I’m in my kitchen, nimwit! I’m baking! Cuz , God forbid my boys eat Tasty Cakes, right? (Something tells me the tenor of this article is gonna shift real soon. Next month: “Twenty Creative Tricks with Twinkies!” ) I’m making banana bread from scratch. Actually, I’m tweaking the Moosewood Cookbook recipe and grinding oatmeal for part of the flour because I think it’s better for you and it will fill you up longer because your body has to work a little harder to digest ground oatmeal. This is how my son interprets that: blahblahblahblahblah.

The rest of the car chat was Julz complaining that everything doesn’t have to be “whole grain organic shit.” Here’s where the yoga really kicks in: he’s still alive. I explained that he is free to purchase and eat whatever he wants on his own time and his own dime, but I am not going to suddenly buy stock in Wonder Bread. Yet.

If the banana bread is nice, you’ll see a recipe for it here. What the heck, there’s giant chocolate chips and toasted nuts mixed in—how bad could it be?!  The house is starting to smell all yummalicious. That’s always a good sign. I’ll let you know how it goes.

[Later, that same day...] Otay…that was not better than a Krimpet (you guys who know Tasty Cakes know how high that bar is). I’m not serving up that round of banana bread on race day. Of course, if Julz and Anthony don’t finish off the dry loaf, I’ll freak out about how they’re wasting perfectly good food. They can smear Nutella all over it, but I’m going back to the kitchen for another attempt at a recipe that makes your eyes roll back in your head. Back soonish with that.

Honestly, the best banana bread I ever made or ate is the Nakedest Banana Bread Ever. We’re talking rotten, old bananas, butter, sugar, a little flour, maybe. This is good; you’ll like it. If the boys on the Cyfac team are riding fast next weekend, it’s ‘cuz this bread is a rush. Try it and fly!

NAKED BANANA BREAD RECIPE:

1 ¼ cup flour
1 cup sugar
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ cup butter (softened at room temperature)
3-4 very very ripe bananas, mashed
2 eggs, well beaten
½ cup of pecan pieces

1.        Preheat oven to 350. Sift dry ingredients together.
2.       Add butter by hand…mash it up until the mixture is crumbly.
3.       Add bananas and quickly add eggs.  Do not overmix!  The mixture should be lumpy.
4.       Pour into a greased 9”x 5” loaf pan.  Sprinkle nuts over the top.
5.       Bake 45 minutes, or until a chopstick comes out clean.

PRE-SEASON FREAK-OUT & NAKED BANANA BREAD

Yikes, I’m freakin’ out. Rita Berson (who is housing Valentin Shurz again this season) told me these elite riders eat about 6,000 calories a day. 6,000! Mm-hmm. Okee dokie. So, here’s my reality…I think my family eats that many calories CUMULATIVELY. That includes my cat. Let’s be honest– I don’t know what that much food looks like in a day, or where you store it all. I’m talking just plain old where do you actually PUT that much food in your kitchen? When I first heard that number, I nodded like, yeah, of course. Then I got home and I started thinking what 6,000 calories x 2 riders/day might actually look like and I gotta be honest—I have no clue. My next thought was, was Rita messing with me? Was that a joke and I missed it entirely or was she actually serious? I guess I’m about to find out.

Here’s one tiny glitch: I don’t believe in prepared foods. I’m not wacky like you have to step on your own peanuts and churn your own butter, but I don’t do Chef Boyardee or Jolly Green Giant or anything that goes in a microwave and stinks like…like prepared food. I have a microwave. In the basement. I’m a little snobby about that, too. So whatever this mega food parade is that I’m floating in, it has to be real. And two teenaged starrrrrving cx boys have to be able to throw some of it together without my being involved. And they have to put it away when they’re finished fixing it or they’ll see Psychlo Mom transform into something way scarier than anything they’ve ever encountered on a bike.

School doesn’t start til next week, so I can still think about all the yummy foods I’m going to prepare and they can eat them whenever or wherever they want (except on my couch…or upstairs…or basically anywhere besides the kitchen table or the sink or the porch). But still, that four-digit number is plaguing me. I did buy some cashews; they’re fattening, right? But does this mean these guys open the bag and polish off the whole thing in one sitting? If so, we’re switching to peanuts.

Here’s a beautiful little secret…my cx son has no idea I’m writing this. Really. Zippo. In part, it’s because you’re probably all a little cross-eyed (“Dude, whattaya mean you don’t wanna hear about my cross riding business? It’s more interesting than…than…anything anyone else is thinking about. Duhhhhh!”) Whatever. But here’s a snippet of our conversation tonight as we were driving home from the Wawa (that’s pronounced 7-11 in other parts of the country) to buy ingredients I didn’t even use in this banana bread:

Me: Julz, do you think Rita was messing with me when she said that thing about 6,000 calories?
Julz: Chyeah. Are you kidding me? Duh.

OK, Jode, calm down. Breathe. This morning my yoga teacher said, “The essence of yoga is being exactly where you are and doing exactly what you are doing in this moment.” She looks like she consumes about 6,000 calories a month. So, guess where I am right now? Of course I’m in my kitchen, nimwit! I’m baking! Cuz , God forbid my boys eat Tasty Cakes, right? (Something tells me the tenor of this article is gonna shift real soon. Next month: “Twenty Creative Tricks with Twinkies!” ) I’m making banana bread from scratch. Actually, I’m tweaking the Moosewood Cookbook recipe and grinding oatmeal for part of the flour because I think it’s better for you and it will fill you up longer because your body has to work a little harder to digest ground oatmeal. This is how my son interprets that: blahblahblahblahblah. The rest of the car chat was Julz complaining that everything doesn’t have to be whole grain organic shit. Here’s where the yoga really kicks in…he’s still alive. I explained that he is free to purchase and eat whatever he wants on his own time and his own dime, but I am not going to suddenly buy stock in Wonder Bread. Yet.

If the banana bread is nice, you’ll see a recipe for it here. What the heck, there’s giant chocolate chips and toasted nuts mixed in—how bad could it be?! The house is starting to smell all yummalicious…that’s always a good sign. I’ll let you know how it goes. ************

Otay…that was not better than a Krimpet (you guys who know Tasty Cakes know how high that bar is). I’m not serving up that round of banana bread on race day. Course if Julz and Anthony don’t finish off the dry loaf, I’ll freak out about how they’re wasting perfectly good food.They can smear Nutella all over it, but I’m going back to the kitchen for another attempt at a recipe that makes your eyes roll back in your head. Back soonish with th at. ***********

Honestly, the best banana bread I ever made or ate is the Nakedest Banana Bread Ever. We’re talking rotten, old bananas, butter, sugar, a little flour, maybe. This is good; you’ll like it. If the boys on Cyfac are riding fast next weekend, it’s cuz this bread is a rush. Try it and fly!

NAKED BANANA BREAD

1 ¼ cup flour

1 cup sugar

½ teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ cup butter (softened at room temperature)

3-4 very very ripe bananas, mashed

2 eggs, well beaten

½ cup of pecan pieces

1. Preheat oven to 350. Sift dry ingredients together.

2. Add butter by hand…mash it up until the mixture is crumbly.

3. Add bananas and quickly add eggs. Do not overmix! The mixture should be lumpy.

4. Pour into a greased 9”x 5” loaf pan. Sprinkle nuts over the top.

5. Bake 45 minutes, or until a chopstick comes out clean.

 

 

Cyclocross Magazine, Issue 22, Print and digital subscriptionsHave you subscribed yet? You're missing out if not. Get all-original content and your cyclocross fix throughout the year with a subscription and Issue 23 back copy, with features on Lars van der Haar, Jonathan Page, Elle Anderson and more!
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