Dancing in the Pain Cave and the Proper Warm Up? – A Column by Adam McGrath
True to the rumors, Adam McGrath is fielding questions and firing back answers on quintessential cyclocross topics – like hair metal bands, style and fashion. Have an important question only Adam could possibly answer? Just email questions to [email protected], and he’ll answer the best ones in this very column. Didya miss Adam’s last report about his road trip to the UCI race in LA-LA land? Read all about how “Doing Dumb Things with Friends is Better”
by Adam McGrath
This week is going to be kinda fresh. There have been some rather funny questions as of late, and I’m going to answer them. These are my opinions and if you don’t like them, get bent. I’m so so so so big time that whatever I say is actually turned into the law of the land.
Q: When warming up, what is the proper technique to listening to hair metal, and if warming up for a muddy event what is better, Guns N’ Roses or AC/DC?
A: Oh what fine taste in hair metal bands – don’t you have fine questions here. Well certainly the most important part of the warm up is the pre-race music. This is choice is clutch because it will probably get stuck in your head some point after Richard Fries compares you to a jackrabbit on crack. Then later, once you’ve cracked, maybe your ability to sing this song (internally or externally is of personal choice) keeps the pain cave from devouring you entirely. Actually come to think of it, if you can sing the chorus on the start/finish straight, you’ll pass five people, and if you’re about to be lapped, this will stop the leaders for a sing-along which will then allow you to finish not lapped, thus giving you at lease one baller point.
Note: Collecting Baller Points is the real competition and the reason wearing spandex and riding in circles is acceptable, period.
Now to directly answer your question, when listening to hair metal you must arrive to the venue bumping it. If there is pay-for parking and an attendant, you have to roll down the window and sing the part of the song that’s playing. Once the attendent knows you can sing, you are then able to turn the tunes down, say hello and pay. After that with tunes bumping again, park and assemble your bikes, all while slightly awkwardly dancing. At this point it’s acceptable to now put the tunes on your iPod-like thingy. This next bit is the most important part. You will go out for you warm-up lap and ignore everyone and everything and get into the musical zone, if you must run over small children and crush people’s toes. Do at least one lap, then do the second lap faster and as your song builds steam, come through the start/finish straight. Start head banging on the bike, then as you sprint for the line gain momentum, dismount your bike and ghost ride it. Now that you’ve created a scene, thrust with the left-hand crotch grab, and throw your rocker sign up with the right and scream, “Rock and roll aint noise pollution.” This should also tell you who to warm up to. If not, Google it or consider yourself a soft-rocker.
Q: Adam, do your shants and funny hats give you magical powers?
A: Not quite pants, too long for shorts, shants ya! That’s my roomate’s jingle about them, there is a bit about shoodles and other things too, but the point is, yes, shants allow my gnome powers to shine through, like mushrooms help Mario crush the enemy.
My hats are not funny. I resent and hate you. My hats represent a style from the future, a place where only gnomes can go. Also they stop the sun from getting in my eyes. What does your hair do, mister straight edge?
Q: Why are you running with that bicycle son? (old woman watching me do run ups)
A: Because I stole it and I wanted to show off to you, grandma. Plus I need practice in case the next bike shop I rob has a large unrideable hill inside it, assuming there is a massive earthquake in 2012 when the world is ending, and I need to rape and pillage bike stores.
For more answers and potential new laws, send all your questions to: [email protected]
Adam’s racing and time for these columns is thanks to:
Feedback Sports, Van Dessel, Reynolds, Cat Eye, Fizik, Verge, Giro, Crank Brothers, Lezyne, FSA, TRP, Pearl Izumi Shoes, Stanley, Wheels MFG, Bumble Bar and the DCCOD
Follow Adam’s antics at: newtroncross.wordpress.com
Have you subscribed yet? You're missing out if not. Get all-original content and your cyclocross fix throughout the year with a subscription and Issue 23 back copy, with features on Lars van der Haar, Jonathan Page, Elle Anderson and more!