Doing the Newtron Spandex Dance – A Column by Adam McGrath

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Adam rolling along in Japan © Brian Vernor

If you’ve seen our (just-shipped!) Issue 10 of the print magazine, you already know that Adam McGrath will be contributing regularly, both in print and online – and we’re super-stoked to add his quirky voice to the fold. Until recently, Adam was a full-time professional MTB team mechanic in the summer months but, come our favorite fall cyclocross season, would turn his attention to riding. These days, Adam’s a self-described professional bum and dabbling gardener, and he still more than holds his own in America’s biggest ’cross races. This weekend, Adam will be in Seattle for the city’s premier of The Cyclocross Meeting, then racing his heart out at StarCrossed and the Rad Racing GP.

by Adam McGrath

Thanks to the kind folks over at Cyclocross Magazine, I’ll be coming at ya every couple of weeks. No, not muddy and into your living room demanding food, but in cyberspace with this bi-weekly column. One week I’ll be posting something ’cross-related, and the next week I’ll be hosting a Q and A. Tim Johnson is all over the pro Q and A tips: what I want from you readers is whatever you’d like to ask. I’ll pick the best Qs of the week and post my opinion, boldly. You’ll need to send your questions to: [email protected].

This week is all about “Spando Moments.” I’m gunna say it: I love Spando Moments. They are those ironic, awkward and awesome times you get with non-cyclists when they encounter you in the business suit. I don’t know what’s not to love, they are often so odd all you can do is laugh. Don’t get me wrong – that huge dude in a skinsuit he bought used off eBay lined up right in front of you at the start that has you thinking in the name of all things holy, “take that thing off before it explodes like confetti in a piñata” is, indeed, rather gross. But in so many ways, it’s so, so right. I mean, we all put on our weenie-hugger or beaver-snugger shorts (or, in my case, full suit), ride in circles and run with a perfectly rideable bike likely outfitted with tires that are attached via stretchy glue. Why the hell should the fat dude in the little suit not rock that? I’m not exactly fat, but I wear my weenie huggers with pride.

So I’d like to share my three Spando Moments of the week:

  1. “Holy Crap, your butt is logo-blasted more than those skeezy sluts on campus with those ‘PINK’ shorts.” (Google it. Apparently it’s fashionable to have this written on your butt if you’re a female aged 18-24.)
  2. “Man, first future shoes (in reference to clipless shoes), now future clothes. Are you gunna have a cape and save the future?”
  3. I’m out of water and in the middle of nowhere. The only thing around is a ditch or this old dilapidated-looking barn with a trailer. Risky, I know, but the ditch water didn’t look good. Took my chances and road up the drive, found the lady outside, and she filled up my bottles. She eyeballed my crotch no short of 15 times and said “good to see young people out in the country again.” Creepy, yes. Wrong? Even more so. But, funny? Oh my, it took the strength of 10 men to keep my bike upright as I laughed myself to tears down the driveway.

These moments happen all the time. At first I was really self-conscious, then I came to the realization that people everywhere do really weird stuff. So what’s so weird about spandex other than that most people don’t go to work in it? Once your comfortable in it, then you just notice how much people respond to it really strangely. I seek out these strange awkward moments from time to time, like a little confirmation that, A: I’m a little crazy and B: I’m alive, well and doing just fine the bloody way I am.

So my question is this: Are you a little crazy, and how funny is it when your friends find out you have a future suit? We’ll keep the cape a secret for now.

—Newtron

Adam’s Racing and time for these columns is thanks to:

Feedback Sports, Van Dessel, Reynolds, Cat Eye, Fizik, Verge, Giro, Crank Brothers, Lezeyne, FSA, TRP, Pearl Izumi Shoes, Stanley, Wheels MFG, Bumble Bar and the DCCOD

Follow Adam’s antics at: newtcross.wordpress.com

 

 

Cyclocross Magazine, Issue 22, Print and digital subscriptionsHave you subscribed yet? You're missing out if not. Get all-original content and your cyclocross fix throughout the year with a subscription and Issue 23 back copy, with features on Lars van der Haar, Jonathan Page, Elle Anderson and more!
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